The rubáiyát of a bachelor

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HELEN-ROWLAND

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COPYRfGHT DEPOSnV

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PROMISED TO PAY A WOMAN'S BILLS FOR LIFE.

BY-HELEN- I^OWLfSND

DECDR/^TIONS ooooBY oooohAROLO oooo5PEftKA\ AN
DDDGE PUBLIShIND COMPAKl)^

N CW Y O i^ K

COPYRIGHT 1915 BY
DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY

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©JU4 18819

TO

MY HUSBAND

WILLIAM HILL-BRERETON

THIS LITTLE BOOK IS AFFECTIONATELY
DEDICATED

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AKE ! For the Spring has scat-
tered into flight
The Vows of Lent, and bids the
heart be light.
Bring on the Roast, and take
the Fish away !
The Season calls— and Woman's
eyes are bright !

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EFORE the phantom of Pale
Winter died,
Methought the Voice of Spring
within me cried,
" When Hymen's rose-decked
altars glow within.
Why nods the laggard Bachelor
outside?"

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(3>s to

ND, at the Signal, I who stood

before
In idle musing, shouted, " Say no
more!
You know how little while
we have to Love —
And Love's light Hand is knock-
ing at the door!"

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I CD

OW, the New Moon reviving
:]co old desires,

The gallant Youth to Sentiment
aspires ;
And ere he saunters forth on
conquest bent,
Himself, like unto Solomon,
attires.

5)

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HIS WINTER GARMENTS HUNG— WHERE, NO ONE KNOWS !

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oOi>oo

SI

OW blithely through the smil-
ing throng he goes,
His Winter garments hung—
where, no one knows!
A Symphony in radiant scarfs
and hose,
Wrought t'inspire a maiden's
"Ah's!"and"Oh's!"

009^0

0 13

B

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NTO a new Flirtation, why not
knowing,
Nor whence, his heart with mad-
ness overflowing ;
Then out of it— and thence,
without a pause,
Into another, willy-nilly blowing.

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HAT if the conscience feel, per-
chance, a sting?
No danger waits him— save the
Wedding Ringi
A Kiss is not the sin that
yesterday
It was— for that was LenU and
this is Spring!

90

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C3C

5)

OME simple ones may sigh for
^ wealth or fame,

And some, for the sweet Domes-
tic Life, and tame;
But ah ! give me a supper, a
cigar,
A charming Woman— and the
old Love-Game 1

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oO£>oo

OME blue points on the half-
shell, in a row,
Some iced champagne, a melt-
ing bird— and Thou
Beside me flirting, 'neath a
picture hat—
Oh, single life were Paradise
enowl

[17]

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COZY-CORNER tete-a-t6te—

what bliss !
A murmured word, a sigh, a
stolen kiss—
Ah, tell me, does the Prom-
ised Paradise
Hold anything one-half so sweet
as this?

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0

ND yet, since I am made of ^oQ2^
common clay,
One charm I'd add to this divine
array ;
Lord make me careful, and
whate'er betide,
Without proposing, let me slip

away! ggog

coc

5)

5)

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OR, some Tve known, the brav-
iio est and the best.

Who laughed at Love, as but an
idle jest,
Have, one by one, walked
straight into the Net,
Helpless, before the Cozy Corner
test!

0)

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oOiUoo

HUS, oft, beside some damsel

fond and fair,
I've sat, thrilled by the perfume
of her hair.
And madly longed to mur-
mur, lip-to-lip,
"Beloved, marry me!"— but did
not dare!

[211

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OR some Fve wooed, when I
felt blithe and gay,
Have looked so different, when
we met next day,
That I have simply stopped
to say, "So charmed!"
And shuddering, sped hurriedly
away!

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OOK to the Married Men ! Alas, ^S)9^
their gains
Are neither here nor there, for all
their pains.
For wedding bells are rung—
and loudly rung
To drown the clanking of the
Marriage Chains !

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5)

MOMENT'S halt— a little word
3C3 or two—

And you have done what you
can ne'er undo ;
Promised to pay a Woman's
bills for life—
Anchored yourself— and there's
an end of you !

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ND we, who now make merry

at the gloom
Of those who thus have gone to
meet their doom-
May we, ourselves, not some
day follow suit.
Ourselves to be the Butt of jests
—for whom?

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NDEED, 'tis better to have
loved and lost-
Taken the Kiss and fled, at any
cost,
Than to have loved and mar-
ried, and for aye,
Thereafter, by a Woman, to be
bossed.

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(3

STTCF

ITH me, along that strip of ^?o9o^
Broadway strewn
With lovely maids, each radiant
afternoon,
And think, of all the thou-
sands you behold,
That you can marry one— and

only one !

Wrp:i%

[27]

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UT, if the lip I kiss, the hand I

press,
Upon the morrow seem to charm
me less.
Ah well, am I not still a
BacheloTy
And thus, entitled to— another
Guess?

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■ ■»:

SOME FOR THE COMFORTS OF A CLUB MAY SIGH.

oOil^oo

OME for the comforts of a club
may sigh,
And some for a hermit's lonely
life. Not I !
Give me a cozy hearthside,
and a Girl
Always "at home" when / chance
by!

[31]

OO^-Oo

B

ER cushioned chair a spot

where I may curl
My weary form, and rest, beyond
the whirl
Of madd'ning cares; to rise
at half-past ten,
And call next night— upon an-
other girl I

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[32]

HY, if a man can thus, at ease, ^^o^
abide
Each evening by a different dam-
sel's side,
Were't not a shame— were't
not a shame, for him
To any one, forever to be tied ?

C3I

5)

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ND so, the girls I've set my
CO heart upon,

I've flattered, wooed a little— and
anon.
Just as they thought to slip
the fatal Noose
About my neck, behold— the Bird
had flown

5)

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OR this the argument that I
submit—
Refute it, if you can, with all
your wit!
That Luck in Love, for such
as you and I,
^ ^^y) Consists in safely keeping out of
C^^ it!

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HIS morn, I've quaffed at least
a quart or more
Of water— yet am thirsty as be-
fore;
And that dark taste still lin-
gers in the mouth
With which, last night, I refor-
mation swore.

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SOME ANGEL, WITH A SAVING DRINK.

ET, when some Angel, with a ^O^p^
saving drink
(S7>^ Of iced Nepenthe comes, I shall
not shrink;
But, having drunk of it, shall

^f%) feel again

lO

As good and noble as before, I
think.

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'i ACH morn some fresh repent-
j^ ance brings, you say ?

Yes— but where leaves the vows
of Yesterday ?
For I shall make and break
them all, again.
When Time hath taken this
Headache away.

HAT if my conscience seem an
idle joke—
My good resolves all disappear
in smoke?
This thought remains— and
is it not enough?—
do not wear the Matrimonial
Yoke!

IV no

OZsOO

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0

AY ! There is no one waiting
at the door,
Whene'er I wander in at half-
past four,
No one to question, no one to
accuse.
No one, my shocking frailty to
deplore !

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N

O one to greet me with her Poo9^
tear-stained eyes,
No one to doubt my quaint, fan-
tastic lies,
No one my foolish looks to
criticize—
Ah, but the knots, the KNOTS
in marriage- ties!

aSfos

coc

H Friend, could you and I,
to somehow, conspire.

To grasp the Matrimonial
Scheme entire.
Would we not shatter it to
bits— and then.
Make of its bonds a rousing Fu-
neral Pyre?

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oOioo

YSELF, when young, did ea-
gerly frequent
The weddings of my friends on
Bondage bent ;
But evermore thanked Fate,
when I escaped
Scot-free, by that same door
wherein I went.

XPPo

oOiijOo

B 13

B

NTO the fatal compact, why

not knowing,
I've seen them go, nor dream
where they were going ;
Then out again, with shouts
of "W^estward, ho!"
The bitter seeds of Alimony sow-
ing!

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H well, they say that, some-
times, side by side,

A cat and dog may peacefully

abide.

Perhaps— perhaps. But that

is only when

That cat and dog are not together
tied!

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Cc

FT, to some patient married
cQ man I turn,

The secret of his dumb content
to learn.
But lip-to-ear, he mutters,
"Fool, beware!"
This is the path, whence there is
no return • "

g)

BUT, LIP-TO-EAR, HE MUTTERS, " FOOL. BEWARE

H, threats of Hell, and hopes of
Paradise !
One thing is certain— when a
Husband dies,
No wife shall greet him
there with "Where's" or
"W^hy's"
cpo^O^ Nor mock with laughter his
oO^Op ^^g^ subtle lies!

M

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O matter whether up or down
he goes,
He neither cares nor questions, I
suppose ;
Since Death can hold no bit-
terness for him.
Because— because— Oh well, he
knows, HE KNOW^S !

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OULD you the spangle of exist- (^oQ25^
ence spend
In Matrimony? Slow about, my
Friend !
A maiden's hair is more oft
false than true,
And on the chemist may her

blush depend. S$?o

COI

70

MAIDEN'S hair is more oft
false than true 1
Aye, and her Modiste is, per-
chance, the clue.
Could you but know it, to
her sylph-like grace.
And, peradventure, to her Figure,
too.

}

OoOo
oOiUoo

HY, for this NOTHING, then,
should you provoke
The gods, or lightly don the gall-
ing yoke
Of unpermitted pleasure, un-
der pain
Of Alimony-until-Death, if
broke?

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[55]

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HY, when to-day your bills are
promptly paid,
Assume the whims of some ca-
pricious maid,
Incur the debts you never did
contract,
And yet must settle? Oh, the
sorry trade!

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I SWORE— BUT WAS I SOBER WHEN I SWORE?

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O settle down and marry," oft
of yore,
I swore— but was I sober when
I swore?
And then there came another
girl — and I
Turned gaily to the old Love-
Game, once more.

cat

ND, much as I repented things
cQ like this,

And fondly dreamed of sweet
Domestic Bliss,
I sometimes wonder what a
wife can give,
One half so thrilling as a stolen
kiss

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ET, if the hair should vanish
from my brow,
My girth, in time, to great dimen-
sions grow—
If youth's sweet-scented
"Buds" should pass me by,
Accounting me an antiquated
beau—

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HY then, some winged angel,
ere too late-
Some maiden verging onto twen-
ty-eight—
W^ill gladly take what's left of
me, I trow,
And, leading me to wedlock,
thank her Fate !

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Cp--vC5D'

LAS, for those who may to-day ^^^
prepare ^ "^

The wedding trousseau for the
morrow's wear,
A voice of warning cried,
"There's many a slip
Betwixt the Altar and the Soli-

taire!"

^Sfog

CC(

NTO this pact, man glides like

water flowing,
But out of it is not such easy
going;
For they, who once were sim-
ple, guileless things.
In Breach-of-Promise lore are
now more knowing.

70

5)

WHAT ! WOULD YOU CAST A LOVING WOMAN HENCE?

oOii^oo

HAT ! Would you cast a love-

ing Woman hence ?
Thou, Fickle One, prepare for
penitence !
Full many a golden ducat
shall you pay
To drown the memory of such
insolence.

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ND every note, that, in your
cups, you write.
In cold black Type, perchance
shall see the light ;
While all the World, across
its coffee urn,
Shall titter gaily at the sorry
sight.

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^ H yes! For all the papers,

which discussed
Your wedding plans, shall turn

your cake to crust,
Publish your letters and your

photographs,
And trail your Egotism in the

dust

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5)

C3I

HE Opera Queens, that men / i
30 have wooed and won,

Have loved them for a while,
and then— anon,
Like snow upon Broadway,
with lightsome " touch,"
Annexed their millions, and alas,
have flown !

I to

5)

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H look you, in the long and
varied list
Of Millionaires thus rifled and
dismissed,
How, rich man, after rich
^ man, bode his hour,

t ^ 1] ^ Then went his way, to swell the
^A^o golden grist.

[71]

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ta

HAT Diva's rubies ever glow
so red
As when some Gilded Chappie
hath been bled?
And every diamond the Show
Girl wears,
Dropped in her lap, when some
Fool lost his head.

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:qo:

ND those who hung around

the green-room door,
And those who backed the Show
and paid the score,
Alike, to no such "Angels"
have been turned,
As, once repentant, men feel sor-
ry for.

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H, my Good Fellow, keep the
iio cash, that clears

To-day of unpaid debts and fu-
ture fears.
To-morrow ! Why, to-mor-
row, you may be.
Yourself, with Yesterday's cast-
off millionaires.

y>

p)

HEN, make the most of what

you still may spend,
Ere you, too, into bankruptcy
descend,
Bill upon bill, and under bill,
to lie,
Sans Cash, sans Love, sans Lady
—What an end

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B

ASTE not your evenings in the

vain pursuit
Of this or that girl. Bitter-
sweet the fruit !
Better be jocund with them,
one and all,
And loving many, thus your love
dilute.

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[76]

.u n o,

OME, with vivacity have sought
to charm
Av^ay my fears, and still my
soul's alarm ;
To win me subtly, with a
smile or sigh,
Or sweet appealing touch upon
the arm.

[77]

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5)

Cc

THERS have tempted me with

festive cheer,
And Chafing-dish Concoctions,
quaint and queer ;
With dear, domestic airs have
plied their arts-
Yet, all their wiles were neither
there nor here

g)

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UT when Platonic Friendship
they have tried,
Then, to the gods for Mercy, have
I cried !
For, in the Husband-hunt, all
other snares
Sink into Nothingness, this game
beside !

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HERE is the Trap, from which
you may not flee ;
There is the Net, through which
no man may see.
Some jest at " love," some talk
of "chums," and then,
Into the Consomme, for thee and
mel

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THERE IS THE TRAP, FROM WHICH YOU MAY NOT FLEE.

HETHER to Church, or to the

Magistrate,
You follow, after that, 'tis all too
late!
For, from your Pipe-dream,
you, at last, shall wake,
A MARRIED MAN, to rail in
vain at Fate !

^?»io

oO^O

a)[

CO

OVE, but the Vision of a dear
desire!

Marriage, the Ashes, whence has
fled the fire!
Cast into chains which you,
yourself, have forged !
Caught, like a sheep upon a stray
barbed wire !

b

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oOil^oo

H Thou, who first the Apple

Tree didst shake,
And e'en in Eden flirted with
the Snake,
Still, as in that first moment
'neath the Bough,
Dost thou, to-day, of Man a
puppet make!

[85]

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B

UT this I know— whether the
one True Mate,
Or just some Fluffy Thing with
hook and bait,
Eve-like, tempt me~one flash
of Common Sense,
And all her sorcery shall be too
late!

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13

.oio;?

HEN, let her never look for me,
again ;
For, once escaped, how many
moons shall wane,
And wax and wane full oft,
while still she looks
Down that same street— but ah,
for ME, in vain !

[87]

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ET, much as I have played the
CO Infidel,

If, as the fated Pitcher to the
W^ell,

)) Too oft to Love's empyrean

Font I stray,
To fall, at last, beneath some
Siren's spell,

5)

(^

HEN, in your mercy, Friend,
forbear to smile,
And with the grape my last few
hours beguile.
Or, let me in some Caravan-
serie.
My Cynic's soul to shackles recon-
cile.

Oz.0 0

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a

ND when, with me, some fair,
triumphant lass.
Up to the rose-decked Altar-
Rail shall pass.
And, in her joyous errand,
reach the spot.
Where we're made One — oh,
drain a silent glass!
Tamam.

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[90]